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Some of us have our first experiences of sibling rivalry while still in the womb. I once heard of a tale how one sibling kicked the other one out of the way inside the womb to get down the birth canal first, then the second one was born breech. While they might have been playmates and friends as toddlers, this intrauterine spat set the tone for their teens, when all kinds of things like school marks, popularity and prettiness were all grounds for comparison and, therefore, fodder for fighting.

The normal state of affairs of bickering amongst siblings often ends up in tears, and wil drive the parents and family bonkers.

Sometimes just a little time apart can teach each sibling to appreciate the other, they can become best friends. Luckily mostly it is normal for siblings to grow out of childhood rivalry. But parents should still practice caution to handle jealousy and competitiveness with utter care, as it is not uncommon as well for childhood discord to resurface in adulthood, to a much higher degree.

So, what can we as parents do? Sibling rivalry tends to manifest in different ways, for example, boys tend to be more physical, while girls are more verbal. Although the degree of rivalry between siblings very rarely depends on their sex, it depends more often on the nature of the family system in which they grow up. So, how we as parents handle this rivalry is very crucial.

Research has shown that all children are very sensitive to favoritism from a young age. Even from the age of one year old, children are acutely sensitive to how they are being treated in relation to their siblings. In any case where a parent or both parents show more love, or give more attention, or is unable or unwilling to monitor the on goings between children, it is often times the siblings and their connections that suffers. In most cases, the more pronounced sibling rivalries occur when there is an alliance between either parent and a particular child, then this kind of family dynamic contributes to extreme rivalry between siblings.

Normal disagreements are part of being human, we all disagree at times, and this can actually be healthy. This can be the safest way for siblings and kids to learn the rules of engagement. Although their fighting is not desirable and children need to know that, if they are willing to work towards a resolution, their fighting can be tolerated in the context of a secure, loving monitored family environment. It is really good preparation for adulthood when growing up with siblings, especially if children are taught to resolve and face conflict among themselves. Parents should not ignore squabbling, but when parents intervene it should be fair to both sides.

We as parents should know that it is very important to help our kids to understand that they are loved equally, even if we love them in different ways, because no child is the same as another. Also help them understand that they hurt each other, and help them work out ways of resolving their conflict. Be open and open minded to their feelings, and try to understand their reasons for feeling a certain way, then show them different ways of responding to these feelings through your own emotional modeling as a parent.

But at times, all siblings need is a little space as well. We expect children to eat at the same table, share the same chores, go the the same school, share a surname and even share a bedroom. If that is challenging for us as grownups as married couples at times, what do we expect of our children. Never mind squabbling teens, we don’t choose our siblings and personality differences can be very striking and demanding. So, if you are stuck growing up with someone who grates, who irritates you, and provokes you, then it is understandable that even without the huge importance of competition for parental love and attention, some siblings will just not get on very well.

How to unlock horns in adulthood in case the transition from foe to friend has not happened naturally, fortunately there are ways of overcoming this deadlock. Understanding the root cause of conflict and dealing with it effectively will prevent anger and feelings of inadequacy being projected. Projection is the belief that a person’s thoughts and feelings or conflicts occur in others and not within themselves. And like all our relationships in life, whether it be personal or professional, it all requires hard work and compromise, so does being friends with your siblings. In order for us to accept others as they are, we first need to be rally truly comfortable with who we are.
The your responses to your siblings may even indicate a suppressed longing to be more like them. The challenge for you is to find a balance between the two extremes, of what you are and what you would like to be, by taking less responsibility for others choices and being more accepting of yourself as being less than perfect.

In case you are the family achiever, it will help if you let your siblings hare the limelight on occasion, and also compliment them on their achievements, even in case it does not seem important to you, it is to them.

In case you feel that you have lived in the shadow of your siblings, then it is your responsibility to rectify the matter and get yourself out in the limelight. Confront your fears of not being good enough, become a more active participant in your own life. Focus on your strengths and talents, then you will realize that what your sibling is not, may be the key to determining who you really are.

If some past event is causing irreconcilable differences, then sweeping it under the carpet will not make it go away, or make any difference to it. You need to get in out in the open, talk to your sibling about it and why for some reason you don’t see eye to eye. What exactly it is that mad you feel betrayed, be open and honest and decide how your relationship can be salvaged.

And if you are not at all convinced that all this is worth the trouble, then remember that addressing a friend as a brother or sister is a universal expression of solidarity between unrelated people. In fact, if we just treat all human beings as one of our loved brothers or sisters, this world would surely be a much happier and friendlier place for all of us.